Learn more about how passive aggressive behavior in one partner causes the other partner to become controlling. And how when someone expresses controlling behavior, it causes the other to have passive aggressive behavior!
Welcome to this WIFEY WEDNESDAY ME TIME video post with Love and Relationship Coach Heather Hundhausen!
I know that spending time to learn something new is challenging, when you are a powerful, world changing woman, who is out influencing the world, and getting things done and taking names! The time you spend with me here today is PACKED FULL of QUALITY information. It’s some of the best information I have delivered. The women who joined me in the video asked great questions, and I delivered way more information that I was planning on giving! This video is CHOCK FULL of awesome info that I want you to have in your back pocket. It is life changing, relationship changing info, so you can start having PEACE in your relationship again!!
See if you relate to this. If you do, this video about passive aggressive behavior is one you DON’T WANT TO MISS!
- One of you is closing down.
- The other is feeling abandoned.
- The abandoned one pushes, pulls, screams, shouts, yells and fusses that the other one has shut down.
- This makes the one who shut down, shut down further.
The more she shuts down, the more he yells and tries to control. The more he tries to control, the more she shuts down, until they cant even see each other anymore.
He sees her as a heartless bitch.
She sees him as a whiny baby.
All I Want is to Be Loved …
All you really want is to love each other. When you are open and connected, everyone says you are the power couple. Others have told you, “you are our relationship goals!” You look amazing together, and you are perfectly suited for one another.
How do you get back there?
We are going to break it down in today’s video.
I help guide women like you, who are struggling between Being in Control and SURRENDER to create their OWN LIGHT which of course, influences the world around them.
Today’s topic Control vs Passive aggressive behavior patterns in relationships.
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Passive Aggressive Behavior: When there is a controlling partner, there is a passive aggressive partner responding
1) Power struggle
2) REVENGE
3) How they play out in a relationship
4) Both partners expect the other to change
What to do to change it:
1) Take responsibility for your own behavior.
2) Get in integrity with yourself
3) You are CONTROLLING because you need everything perfect because you feel incomplete inside
4) You are PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE because you want to be a victim and give up control. It makes the controlling partner want to control you more. People pleasing. Approval seeking = need to PROVE myself to you. Need to prove I am good enough.
5) TAKE RESPONSIBILITY
I don’t care “who started it.”
Example that is not in the passive aggressive behavior video:
What do you do when your kids are fighting?
Many parents are concerned with figuring out WHO started it. I don’t think this is effective behavior, because it teaches our children to look for fault and find blame. BOTH parties are responsible for the fight.
It takes TWO people to fight. Not one. It never just takes one. One person triggers the other and you’re off.
When I parent, I don’t care who started it.
- I care that they are connected.
- I care that they SEE each other.
- I care that they CARE about each other and TAKE CARE of each other.
When THIS is the parenting intention, children learn to communicate and care for and love each other. Not to blame each other, find fault, and then pay the consequence. The consequence of a fight is that you lose the connection and closeness with your sibling.
Isn’t that enough of a lesson?
Why don’t we instead teach them the value of that lesson?
photo credit Alexandra Gorn
Trust:
I did 2 relationships back to back where I was super controlling and didn’t trust my partner. I got to LEARN this pattern first.
Then EXPERIENCE it. Then be AWARE of it. Then DO SOMETHING different, which felt EXTREMELY uncomfortable… until one day I actually learned what it meant to surrender my control. TO surrender my attachments.
And now, because this is how it works, I’m in relationship with the SAME GUY – who has a different face and name – but the relationship works beautifully.
I have finally grown into my TRUE self, instead of the protected, controlling self.
I still have moments of control, and moments of protection, but he knows ME, and he gently reminds me to come home to myself, because he can see when I’m protecting myself, instead of being myself.
Example of surrendering control:
My x-husband is the coyote – in native American culture, the coyote is the one who gets to point out everyone’s flaws in a playful way.
If you punch the coyote, you are literally kicked out of the tribe. In the video, I share an example his THRILL of joy over pointing out me being controlling over something really silly.
Example of Passive Aggressiveness and People Pleasing:
I wanted to make my man happy, so I kept saying YES to spending time with him. This also made me happy. But I wasn’t taking care of myself, and I wasn’t setting boundaries.
But, everything around me was falling apart slowly, and one day I WOKE UP and saw the mess! Then, I got really MAD, at HIM!?
Luckily, I have done enough work to know that it was my lack of boundaries that got me here, and that I needed to make sure to work it out by communicating in a LOVING way, that I needed space to work and clean and take care of my children and all of my other commitments that I was ignoring because I wanted to spend time with him.
I did find myself shutting down to attempt to “protect” myself.
Luckily, he isn’t willing to put up with that, and just loved me until I opened up again.
If I HADN’T OPENED UP… I would have probably seen the controller come out and try to MAKE ME, which would have closed me down tighter.
We get to make the choice to OPEN up and MOVE IN when our partner asks us what’s going on.
They do it because they love us. Not because they want to hurt us. But too many past experiences have taught us it’s not safe to open up.
THIS IS WHAT VULNERABILITY IS. Going in, even when you know it might hurt.
Recap the pointer:
- Take responsibility for your own behavior.
- Get in integrity with yourself
- Surrender control/ surrender attachments/
- stop people pleasing
- be vulnerable/ open up
Who wants homework that you can work on to tangibly make this happen in your life?
Don’t forget to invite your friends and family to subscribe to beautifully authentic!
HOMEWORK: Are you the passive aggressive one or the controller? Your homework is to find out and THEN – if you’re the controller, let go and surrender. Next time your partner is shutting down and closing off and withholding, LET GO and love them like crazy. No negative thinking about them. If you’re being the passive aggressive withholder, you get to SAY WHAT YOU NEED! And hold some boundaries. Don’t give up on yourself. Don’t lose yourself for your mate. You’re worth getting what you want.
Of course, if you want more information on how exactly to do this right now, you can work with me one on one.
PS: Join our Facebook Beautifully Authentic group to connect with other like minded and heart centered women so you can learn self-love, and create peace in your lives too.
I appreciate you!! THANK YOU for joining me! Thank yourself for taking the time out of your busy schedule to take some ME TIME! You need it every day! Make sure you acknowledge yourself for doing something to support yourself, through learning, and caring about yourself! You are on the road to Self love already! Congratulations!