Mirror mirror on the wall who’s the fairest of them all? When the witch looked into the mirror, it was a metaphor for what we all do. We look into the mirror to see if we are beautiful. We look in the mirror to see if we are the most beautiful in all of the land, and the mirror reports back to us that either we are, or someone else is. Read more about how being vulnerable helps you to find your real authentic beauty, inside and outside. (more…)
Codependent Relationship: The Addict is a Mess and the Codependent Focuses on Fixing Him
I was raised in a codependent family and I also have my Masters in Mental Health, although I did all of my training in Marriage and Family therapy, because I love systems and how they work together. I learned from my mom how to have behavior like someone who is intoxicated, even when I’m not drinking, and from my dad I learned to be super codependent! I quickly learned that this doesn’t work in relationship!
What happens in an addict/codependent relationship is that the addict is a “mess” and the codependent is running around them in circles trying to “fix” them!
The Codependent Carries the Weight of the World on Their Shoulders
Many of my body-mind clients experience feeling pain in their neck and shoulder, because they experience feeling like they have the weight of the world on your shoulders!
There is a lot of denial around BEING the codependent!
How You Know if You Are a Codependent
You are REALLY concerned with having the “perfect, happy” family.
The Codependent puts PRESSURE on the family to BE THE WAY THE CODEPENDENT NEEDS IT TO BE!
This happens from a traumatic childhood – we feel the need to control our environment, and that includes the people in our space – in order for us to feel safe or ok!
I feel depleted and exhausted!
I feel resentment that you don’t notice all of the wonderful things that I do for you!
I have pain in my shoulders and neck from “carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders”
Codependency “For Dummies”
you try to meet the other person’s needs without them asking.
The codependent really truly believes that they are doing everything for YOU – for someone else. You become a martyr and victim.
“I make everything AMAZING FOR YOU! – > but really, I’m trying to make my environment safe by making sure you have all your shit together so that I can feel safe.
Codependent tells themselves – I’m trying to make you happy! I’m going to FIX IT FOR YOU! Which is really, very controlling. But the codependent doesn’t see it as control
There is a lot of denial
You end up on the victim/drama triangle as the RESCUER.
I will save the day for YOU because YOU ARE A MESS
The codependent has judgment and they are putting it on the other person
It keeps the codependent feeling perfect and the other person is a mess – If the other person could clean up their mess, I would be ok.
The codependent tells the other person they are doing it for THEM.
The causes the OTHER person to USE/ be an addict – to avoid confronting the codependent’s controlling behavior. Its very hard to tell a codependent that they are controlling, because they think they are being helpful. The codependent looks nice and loving.
There is a HUGE PAYOFF for the addict – they can act like “THEY DON’T KNOW” and the codependent gets really excited that they can fix someone else, and not themself!!
What’s happening is A GIGANTIC LACK OF SELF-LOVE and SELF-CARE.
Loving Yourself in a Codependent Relationship
When you love yourself, you can tell the codependent …
There is nothing wrong with me! Leave me alone, you’re being controlling.
When you’re a codependent – when you start loving yourself …
You realize WOW! I am being so controlling and realize I AM DEPLETED and realize that they NOT taking care of myself, I am spending all of my time and energy taking care of someone else. That’s why the codependent feels so exhausted.
The Codependent Relationship Problem
The codependent “takes care” of the addict, by giving the addict what the codependent actually needs, because no one is taking care of the codependent, not even the codependent.
You give them absolutely EVERYTHING that you THINK they need, but you don’t ask them, you just give them what YOU actually need.
You get mad when they ask for something: I’m entitled and MAD because you aren’t fixing your mess.
I’ve been doing EVERYTHING you need (but really, I haven’t, I’m trying to make myself ok)
You take responsibility when they are upset.
I’ll handle everything for you.
I made your life miserable.
I take responsibility for everything.
I’m a victim.
I’m exhausted.
I want you to rescue me.
The codependent thinks that they have done EVERYTING and YOU have done NOTHING, so now, I’m mad, because I did so much stuff for you, but you did nothing for me, and I’m exhausted.
Both Parties are in Denial
The addict doesn’t realize they are trying to escape reality by doing their addiction.
The codependent is in DENIAL because – they don’t have a clue, because they are PERFECT people, and they want YOU to look perfect! They actually believe that they are perfect!
I try to control you and get you to do what I want because I refuse to take care of myself.
I, the controller, put all of my time, energy, and focus on you, see all of your flaws, and all of the things that you do wrong, and try to FIX you, because there are clearly things WRONG with you
The alcoholic experiences my CONTROL but doesn’t realize its controlling because he is used to the environment, might even think its loving, and likes not having responsibility.
It’s Much Easier to Sit There Confused, or Incapable of Doing Something
This triggers the controller to want to control even more.
When the controller controls more, the addict feels less and less capable, and more and more SHAME. The addict already feels SHAME, which keeps the addiction going.
SO. The more the addict uses, the more SHAME the addict feels, which keeps them in a place of not taking responsibility.
The controller can’t stand this, and will cover for them, trying to keep the status quo and keep everyone LOOKING GOOD!
Since its IMPOSSIBLE to keep an addict looking good, they continue to SHAME the addict, thinking this will force them to stop the behavior (because that would work for the codependent) but it actually just makes the addict turn to the addiction, not towards the lover/family.
Controlling Another Person
The controller is TRULY trying to control another person because they feel totally out of control in their own life.
They do not have their shit together.
They are really good at making it LOOK like they have their shit together, but they do not. NOT AT ALL.
They have very low self esteem and hardly any self care.
Their idea of self care is taking care of the addict. Which they do. Then they feel depleted. AND THEN, they feel exhausted, resentment, and blame all of that on the addict also.
The addict has no idea that any of this is going on because the codependent keeps it all to themselves.
Both of them are very much in denial about all of this.
Shaming
The codependent keeps the addict USING because they SHAME them for DOING IT WRONG all the time.
The codependent needs everything to be perfect and controlled, and they believe that they can control the addict by shaming them.
The problem is, the addict already feels shame for doing their addiction.
When the codependent points out that they are doing it WRONG it makes the shame even BIGGER! Which of course, keeps the addictive behavior going.
No One Likes Being Controlled
No one wants to be told.
Although some people don’t know what to do with their lives or they feel messy, a codependent loves to come in there and “fix it” but it feels very controlling.
There are very few people who can actually get other people to DO what they want them to do!
Portrayal of Perfect
UNDERNEATH THE PORTRAYAL OF PERFECT IS A HUGE INSECURITY AND LACK OF SELF LOVE!
The codependent actually does most of this behavior because they want to feel lovable and don’t. They believe that if they are perfect, that someone will want them and love them. That is why they continue to try to make everything, including themselves and their partner, perfect. It is a very limited way of viewing the world. It is black and white thinking. If I am perfect, and you are perfect, then we will be perfect, you will love me, and we will have a happy life.
Perfect Doesn’t Equal Happiness
Happiness doesn’t come from being perfect.
And it definitely doesn’t come from trying to control someone else.
It comes from a strong sense of self-love and confidence. And the peace and happiness that a codependent is looking for, is never going to come from fixing their partner or their environment.
As the codependent works to love themselves, and clean up their internal struggles and messes, their external environment will shift as a result.
You Try to Fix Everybody Else … But NOT Yourself
A codependent struggles to see their own pain and problems.
When you try to resolve these issues on yourself, as a codependent, you will probably end up reading how to fix everyone else, not yourself. It is VERY helpful for a codependent to have someone else there who can see these patterns and help them to see them as well and come out of denial.
Over the years, I have been a serial learner and practitioner, taking in information about psychology, religion, spirituality, science, medicine, quantum physics, relationships, parenting, and overall, general happiness and work-life balance. I’ve been fascinated in what it takes to and have created my life of pure joy, happiness, balance and peace. It is my mission to spread what I have learned and practiced to you in ways that are simple, easy to understand AND implement. I have served people in achieving realignment in their bodies, relationships and purpose for over 20 years. If you liked this article, and you want to read more, please visit one of the links below:
Join my private FB group:Beautifully Authentic! I do LIVE TALKS to show you how SELF LOVE is at the root of ALL HEALING and not having it is the root of ALL PROBLEMS.
Breakthrough: If you are looking for support in this area, please reach out to me for a FREE BREAKTHROUGH session for life coaching on moving into recovery from being a codependent!
We are being called forward, as women, into the light. Into the divine feminine power. It Is a movement, and I want you to join me in reclaiming your power, Your divine grace, your connection to the womb of the earth, the divine mother. You are connected to it simply because you chose to come here at this time in the form of WOMBan. Your body is an opening to receive, and you are a catalyst for change.
Which Feminine Divine do you relate most to? A female prophet who was preaching to a women’s group posed a question to me recently, ‘Are you Esther or Deborah?’
I was unclear about who Deborah and Esther were in the bible, but quickly came to understand what she was talking about. Probably more so through the spirit of the living God in the room and the feminine divine.
Deborah, The Warrior Goddess
She was talking about the powerful, leading, energetically masculine, Warrior Goddess, Deborah. The prophet of God. The woman who takes all, leaves no prisoners, and leads an army into righteousness by taking lands. She was winning and conquering!
In other words, The Prophetess Deborah.
Esther, The Feminine Divine
On the other hand, she was talking about Esther. The soft, nurturing, comforting, beautiful, quiet, influencing, powerful nature of the Feminine Divine, Esther.
Like Deborah, she too was a woman of strength and dignity.
Be both with correct timing
The talk was about relating to one or the other. Noticing where your power lies, as a woman. Are you more of a Deborah or an Esther? Which Feminine Divine do you most relate most? Neither is better nor worse. Both are incredibly powerful, and useful in the right TIME. The key is, being able to access BOTH.
I’ve been a Deborah
I know, traditionally, for me, it has been nearly impossible to access the Esther. The story line in my head, of my life experiences, is that men are not trust-worthy, and they will lead you astray. They will look at a women outside of their marriages, women much younger than them. They will say inappropriate things to other men’s wives, they will cheat, leave, lie, and manipulate to get what they want. My role models for men, and for women, were like this.
I was taught mixed messages. Be a strong woman, provide for yourself, never depend on a man. He will not take care of you. On the other hand, be sure to marry a rich man so you’ll never have to worry bout money. Manipulate men to get what you want. WHAT?! These conflicting messages were not supportive and definitely were not the rich soil to plant a thriving, healthy marriage!
So, I chose to become a Deborah. I listen to God, and I am willing to go to battle for God. I am willing to be a warrior and fight for God.
How I screwed up my marriage by being a Deborah
In my first marriage, I was a warrior. I made all the decisions. Who was the boss? I was! I chose what we did, where we went, how we spent our time, where we put our money. I did NOT trust my husband. Being in relationship with me gave him NO room to step into his Divine Masculine Power, so he would try to get power in covert and manipulative ways. He would literally break down walls in our house to try to assert himself.
Our marriage broke down because he wasn’t able to say what he wanted. I definitely didn’t give him space, or listen if he tried. I took out my warrior sword and shield and cut him down. There was no way for him to win.
In the same fashion, the marriage, obviously, eventually dissolved.
My lesson about stepping into my Esther.
I am grateful for this. It taught me, loud and clear, that I could not be a Deborah all the time.
Men are not attracted to Deborah’s. They are attracted to submissive nurturing, beautiful Esther’s. They NEED Deborah, but they are not attracted to her.
Learning how to be the Feminine Divine
That being said, I have spent the last 10 years learning about how to BE the Feminine Divine. I learned how to access my nurturing, supporting, loving, caring, submitting feminine. Most days, I hate it. I honestly hate that marriage vows in the bible have the woman say she will OBEY her man! I will NEVER obey a man, screams my ego! It feels like prison.
Yet, as I learn what that means, I understand the genus of it.
If it pleases My Lord
In the story of Esther, she is a genius. First of all, she starts all of her sentences with. “If it please My Lord..” and then, she feeds him! After that he then asks her what she wants. He wants to give it to her so badly. Whatever it is she wants. Then again, she makes him wait to hear what she wants, and invites him again to a dinner that she puts together! He continues to beg of her to tell him what she wants. She says, “If it pleases My Lord, The King…” Then, she asks to not be killed. Of course he doesn’t want to kill her! She has done so many lovely and beautiful things for him! She obeys him and submits herself to him. HE WANTS TO TAKE CARE OF HER, PROVIDE FOR HER AND PROTECT HER!
This is what happens when a woman obeys her man. He wants to provide for her. It brings out the best in him. It brings out his masculine!
I WANT to take care of You!
I remember when I was dating Aubrey. The more beautiful she would become, with her long, flowing dresses and her beautiful make-up, the more it would make me want to “escort” her. I wanted to open her door, take her out, pay for her. It was an incredible feeling to have that masculine need to provide come up inside of me being with such a lovely and beautiful woman. And,.. I am a Woman!! This lesson taught me that men love a beautiful, lovely, graceful woman. It brings out their desire to protect them and provide for them.
Lessons Of Erotic Dance Class
I had a similar experience when I recently went to a “learn how to erotic dance” class. The part that affected me the most was the slight insecurity of the woman learning to dance, but taking it full on and doing their best!
Every woman, of all shapes and sizes, sexuality and age, has an innate sexiness. That sexiness is expressed in different ways, and in all woman. Some are coy. Some woman are wild and courageous.
Some move slowly and shy, others move aggressively and with strength. ALL of them were absolutely beautiful and made me realize that the man watching will be pleased with all of it. He will just watch and be a witness to the sensuality of a woman. Her curves, her beauty and the way she moves. It’s natural for a man. It makes him yearn for her and want to take care of her. After learning this class, my man literally was shaking and said, “You’ve ruined me”.
Men VS Woman Dancing
I remember being at a seminar once where men encircled woman and they danced. Then, they switched. The woman encircled the men and they danced. When the men danced, they pounded. They pounded their chests, they grunted, they chanted, they jumped, they tossed each other around like in a mosh pit, they all got in a circle and jumped up and down together like gorillas, pounding their chests! It’s intense and warrior-like! There was a STARK contrast between men and women.
The difference between the Masculine and the Feminine Divine in this context was amazing. Men are hard warrior fighters. Women are soft, flowing, beautiful, graceful creatures. The way the women moved was slow, sensual and flowy. Women were tossing their scarves, spinning around, spinning around each other, and throwing their hair around. It flowed. Their Feminine Divine surfaced.
Putting It All Together
I had a conversation with my yoga cowboy (this is the man I manifested after writing my “How to Find the Perfect Man” Webinar).
Basically, I asked God for a masculine, hands in the earth, cowboy type of man. He needed to be spiritual, so perhaps he did yoga. I will need to trust this man completely. He will probably be the first man I have ever trusted.
I remember the same preacher that I saw doing this talk, did another talk many years ago, and she said, “Whatever WORDS you SPEAK become reality!” So, I make sure to tell my yoga cowboy all the time how much I trust him, completely trust him. I now understand that trusting him comes entirely from ME… AND, I like to tell him all of the time how much I trust him. (This is very Esther of me). It calls forth his trustworthiness, shows him also that he is trustworthy, and that I not only am attracted to that, but that I depend on him for this. I truly do depend on his trustworthy nature. We would not be able to have the deep, connected, safe, intimate relationship we have if he wasn’t trustworthy.
I Don’t Know How To Be An Esther
I was crying to my yoga cowboy and in pain about this class I had attended saying, “I don’t know how to be an Esther.” I am able to tell him everything. Even things as vulnerable as this. Then he says to me, “Darlin, I think you are more of an Esther than you know”. This was such a big compliment! I allowed myself to receive it. I began looking at all the work I have done, and all of the many things I have learned to get here.
Later on, I was discussing this talk with my ex-husband, telling him about Esther and Deborah. His response was, “Yes, you were a Deborah in our marriage. However, something switched in you after you dated Aubrey. You now let me lead and make the decisions about our children and family. I don’t now how to step into it. You had always done it before (be the leader). You called out the man in me, and now I get to be the leader in my next relationship.
Accessing My Esther more and more every day
Perhaps I am accessing the Esther more and more everyday. I believe the most challenging part of the process is knowing WHEN to be the Esther and WHEN to be the Deborah. This is true to me because, as my pastor says, “Men are attracted to the Esther, but they NEED the Deborah.”
This balance is particularly what the world is missing right now. We have too many women as doormats, who are not using their power. Alongside them, we have too many overbearing, righteous, bitchy women, who are abusing their power and missing their grace. This leads to their children holding themselves small or being the over bearing child.
Are you an Esther or a Deborah?
Now is the time to ask yourself which Divine Feminine do you relate with more?
Do you spend more time in sacrificial service to others?
Is your time spent in prayer?
Are you open to hearing and trusting God to direct you and your family to the Kingdom of God?
Is there a time for one of the other?
Do you find yourself our of alignment with your service?
Are you feeling like a doormat? Underappreciated?
Do you use your graceful power and get your needs met?
Is your Deborah is misdirected?
Instead of using your powerful voice for God, are you manipulating others?
Are you appearing controlling and bitchy?
HOW can you access your Feminine Power, consistently, and for the good of yourself, your family, your community and God?
If you’re struggling with your Divine Feminine Power, please reach out to me HERE and let’s connect to talk about how this is affecting your relationships and the possible small shifts and changes you could start to improve your connection with yourself, your family, and your creator!
Take the time to read the Story of Esther HERE when you get a chance. She truly is a genius in how she goes about saving the entire Jewish population from being slain by the King Xerxes. She is ruthless about it with so much grace!
Over the years, I have been a serial learner and practitioner, taking in information about psychology, religion, spirituality, science, medicine, quantum physics, relationships, parenting, and overall, general happiness and work-life balance. I’ve been fascinated in what it takes to and have created my life of pure joy, happiness, balance and peace. It is my mission to spread what I have learned and practiced to you in ways that are simple, easy to understand AND implement. I have served people in achieving realignment in their bodies, relationships and purpose for over 20 years. If you liked this article, and you want to read more, please visit one of the links below:
