Are you struggling with criticism in relationships? How can criticism create pain? What if you are hurting others with your words, and you are getting hurt by others’ words? What would you be willing to do to stop hurting yourself and others? This article talks about the devastating power of negative words and criticism, and the powerful ability to positive words to encourage and support others. It will discuss how self-esteem is affected by words, and how frequently we need to speak positively to each other in order to actually get what we want!

Criticism In Relationships: How To Change Your Words from Blame to Encouragement

Criticism is often a request that is in the form of blame towards another person. Instead of blaming, learn how to positively communicate with the other person to actually get what is desired will be shown.

• 4 things to do when someone criticizes you will be covered
• A 5-step process for how to stop criticizing others will be covered, and
• 4 Tips on how to repair the damage that has already been done in a relationship that has traditionally used criticism as a form of attempted communication.

Criticism In Relationships Destroys

What if WORDS could destroy? There is actually research that shows that words affect us on a cellular level. When you say, “I Love You!” the cells respond positively, and when you say, “I Hate You!”, they respond negatively. The negative words make the cells look like cancer.

Damaging Words

What if the WORDS you are using in your relationships are actually causing DAMAGE to the cellular tissue, not only in the person you speak the words to, but to yourself as well? (You are hearing these negative words after all).

Verbal Abuse

Criticism chips away at your sense of self-esteem. Every time someone tells you how you are doing it wrong, or that you are incapable, or your personality is flawed, it hurts. It is a form of verbal abuse.

Attacking Someone’s Character

Therapists describe criticism as “you always” or “you never” statements. A criticism is an attack of a person’s character. Instead of a simple statement that points out the obvious, “You didn’t do the dishes”. criticism attacks someone’s character, “you are so messy”.

Personal Offense

Here is a caveat though. What is the person receiving the information has low self-esteem and already feels under-appreciated? If I am feeling unappreciated and disrespected, and you say, “you didn’t do the dishes,” I might hear that as a personal offense.

How Criticism in Relationships with Your Kids Works

I have noticed this with my kids.

If I spend the afternoon tending to them, asking questions, and listening about their day and make them something they really like for dinner, or spend a few minutes playing a game with them, and then I ask them to clear their plates or help make dinner, guess what they say? “Sure Mom!”

Guess what happens if I pick them up and I’m in a rotten mood, completely self absorbed with how work went, and a relationship that is stressing me out, and I don’t listen well to them, I don’t really meet their needs, and I push them off to their rooms and THEN ask them to help with dishes or dinner. You got it, “no way”. They are not interested in even being around me much less supporting me!

The Effect of Criticism in Relationships on Your Brain

The human brain tends to retain 7 times more negative things than positive. Why does this matter for you? Well, if you do 7 nice things for me, and one negative thing, guess what? You just cancelled yourself out. You may as well have done nothing. Imagine what happens when you do 7 negative things and then one nice thing? The nice thing doesn’t matter. I probably couldn’t even hear it!

7 Nice Things Won’t Balance 7 Negative Expressions

Let us imagine my spouse says 1 nice thing, but then complains about 7 things. Do you think I am feeling appreciated, special, loved, or valued? No, probably not. I am probably feeling like I want to get away.

Imagine what happens when I am feeling like I want to get away, and then he says, “you didn’t do the dishes.” Now, suddenly, that very neutral statement sounds like an attack or criticism. That being said, yes, the therapists got it right. Don’t say to your partner, “you are always ___” messy, or whatever it is. Don’t attack the character. That won’t ever work, and that is definitely criticism. Criticism will most likely be replied to with defensiveness.

Keep in mind that people need to feel appreciated, valued, loved and like they belong. These are basic human needs.

If I am in reactive mode, I defend myself. (If I am being conscientious, I think to myself, “oh boy, what is going on for you today?”) Typically, most of us react in defensive mode, especially if the fight or flight system has been activated. Then, you just have an argument, with each person justifying themselves, and trying to prove why they’re right and better, and the other is wrong and doing things wrong. It’s funny to listen to if you pay attention. You do the same exact thing to each other at the same exact time.

How do you stop the madness?

# 1 Take Responsibility

Take responsibility if you show criticism in relationships you have with others. Take responsibility for yourself and your actions. What does this mean? It means, ask yourself what you are doing? Is what they are saying valid? Did you actually do what they said? If YES, then take responsibility for it. If no, then move to step 2.

#2 Don’t React

This is SIMPLE, but HARD. Take a breath. Acknowledge yourself for who you are. You know who you are. It’s OK that they aren’t seeing that right now. There is no need to fight or defend yourself. They are not OK. See step 3.

Photo by: Toa Heftiba

#3 Ask What They Need from You

Hurt people hurt people. They are making an over-generalization because they haven’t figured out yet how to state their needs. Instead, more than likely, they hold it in, and then, when it’s just too many times, they say, “you ALWAYS do this!” You may have done it 3 or 4 times. But since they didn’t express their needs, it feels like always. See if you can just try to see things from their perspective. It’s not about you.

#4 Don’t Justify Yourself

Don’t become righteous, defensive, or justify yourself. The minute you make it about you, it’s going to get worse. They think they are trying to offer you something, or they think they are trying to fix something. See if you can get to THEIR pain. What are they feeling? What do they need? When you start explaining yourself, you are jumping into an argument. Instead of arguing, try to resolve by finding out what they need. And, if you need something, find out what that is, and communicate it as indicated below.

5-Step Process on How to Stop Criticizing Others and Criticism in Relationships

#1 What Do You Feel?

Stop, breath and figure out how you are FEELING: angry, sad, scared or embarrassed/guilty/ashamed?

#2 Be Nice

Instead of complaining about them or criticizing them, say 3 nice things about them.

(I tried this when I was learning how to stop criticizing and it was one of the HARDEST things I had ever done. I didn’t even know how to talk like that! I had to learn what felt like a whole new language. I wasn’t raised in a family that encouraged. I was raised in a family that either criticized, thinking that would make you better, or I was praised for something THEY liked. I don’t remember often being encouraged to do what felt right for me or being complemented on the ways I did things or my behavior.)

Photo by: Toa Heftiba

#3 Say What You Feel

Don’t say, “you make me mad.” Say, ” I feel mad.” It’s a lot easier to hear “I am mad” than “Hey you, you make me mad.”

When someone says “I am mad,” I usually respond, “why? Are you OK?” But if someone says, “you made me mad,” immediately I am on the defensive. (Of course that comes from a limiting conversation that I can’t get anything right. Maybe you have a limiting conversation that comes up when people blame you for their feelings? It’s a good thing to know about yourself.)

Sharing how you feel takes VULNERABILITY. To be able to share how you are feeling, without blaming someone else, is very raw and vulnerable.

Imagine saying, “I feel SAD/ANGRY/etc about ________” (in this case, the dishes in the sink).

#4 Share What You Don’t Like on the Situation

State exactly what is happening that you do not like. Don’t state what you don’t like about what they did! State what you don’t like about the circumstance. Not: You left dishes in the sink, or you are messy Instead: there are dishes in the sink.

#5 Ask Directly

Make a direct request: Can you please clean them up? This sounds so easy. It actually is easy. But it takes some serious skill to execute. So, instead of this: You make me so mad because you are always so messy (which puts almost everyone on the defensive).

Do This:

1. (breathe, get centered).
2. Thank you for making me dinner, I appreciate you shopping and cooking, and you are such a sexy cook.
3. I feel so mad (vulnerable with feelings) when there are dishes in the sink at the end of the day (specific occurrence). Can you please make sure the sink is clean before we go to bed? (specific need being address and asked for).

That is MUCH easier to hear, don’t you think?

How to Stop Criticism in Relationships With Your Husband or Better Half

#1 The 7:1 Ratio

Your best bet to repair the damage that has already been done is to remember the 7:1 ratio. Have you said 7 nice things to your spouse for every 1 negative thing you have said? Think about how many nice things you have said. How many times have you said, “You’re beautiful. Thank you. I love you. I appreciate you. You are amazing. You are so smart. Thank you for being a great parent. Thank you for working so hard. You are so dedicated to our family. Thank you for coming home. You make me so happy. etc…” If you have said 7 of those things (or others like it) and then you say ONE negative thing “why do you ALWAYS forget your keys” you just negated all of that acknowledgment you did! Think relationships are easy! Think again! You get to be incredibly conscientious of the other person.

#2 Tell Them WHY You Love Them

What makes even more of an impact is telling them WHY you think those things about them.

Examples: “You are so beautiful. Your hair frames your face so nicely. That dress looks amazing on you. Your soul radiates from the inside out. Your smile is so beautiful, it lights up my heart. You could be wearing sweatpants and I would think you are beautiful because of that smile! Or because of the way your hair falls in your face, or when you cry…” We could go on and on here folks… but that is because I have learned this language!!! Trust me, I had to learn it. And the more you practice, the more it grows.

#3 We Are Equal

Get rid of “being better than” your partner. The minute you think “you’ve outgrown them” take a look in the mirror and see if you can find a righteous jerk. You’re not better than them. Just because you went to church, or do yoga, or went to a personal development class doesn’t mean you are better, or know more or can put them down. Quite frankly, that thought alone is a relationship killer, and you may as well end the relationship now, because they aren’t going to want to be with you much longer if you’re acting like that. When we think, “we are better” than our partner, that is just a lot of judgment. We are justifying why “we are right” and “they are wrong” and “we are better” because we actually feel incredibly insecure about who we are.

#4 Insecure or Secure?

A secure human being patiently waits for their partner to understand new concepts and ideas. A secure human being understands that their partner thinks differently than them. A secure human being accepts that their partner has thoughts and dreams and aspirations of their own and is willing to allow them the freedom to live life the way they choose.

Signs of an Insecure Human Being

An insecure human is looking for someone to blame. 

An insecure human is looking for someone else to put their shame on. They use criticism in relationships. For example, “I am enough if you are enough.” I see parents do this garbage to their kids. “If you are a high achiever, then I am a good enough parent.” Not true.

You Aren’t Enough

A child’s ability to behave out of fear or shame will never make a parent feel enough. The parent will always feel like they aren’t parenting well enough, because they know in their hearts they aren’t doing the right thing. Healthy parents know how to internally motivate their children. The children achieve and perform because it’s their soul calling and they have been taught to listen to themselves. They feel worthy enough to go after their dreams, not because they will impress someone, but because it feels good for them.

Codependency

Codependents operate their relationship out of shame too. The alcoholic will skip work, and they will cover for them, because the codependent feels the shame of being with a partner “like that.” An insecure human is looking for approval, looking to fit in, and unwilling to set boundaries or have confrontation for fear of being abandoned or rejected.

I Am Better Than Him

If you realize that you are highly critical of your partner, or acting like you are better than them, or trying to fix them and now, after reading this article, realize that your behavior is not supportive but you don’t know how to stop what you are doing, please reach out to me!

I have been there.

I remember praying on my knees to STOP doing the abusive behavior, but I realize now that I didn’t have TOOLS to do anything different. We actually have to be taught a new way to do things. There is no shame in this. If you know what you are doing isn’t working, and you feel terrible at night when you go to sleep, knowing that you should do it differently but not knowing WHAT to do, PLEASE reach out to me!

I have been there. I reached out for help when it came to me.

That was the answer I was looking for. And it changed my life. It can change yours too.

If you read this article and realize that you are in a relationship that uses a lot of criticism, and you try doing to activities in this article but it just isn’t working, reach out to me. I can work with you and the other person tougher as a team to overcome your or the criticism in relationships you experience to support you in positive communication!

It is THE BEST investment in your relationships. Yes, a trip to Hawaii will be fun… but when you get home, you still won’t know how to communicate. Where would you rather invest your time and money? In something that you know will have LASTING positive change, or in a temporary, comfortable, feel-good situation. Let’s make HOME feel like HAWAII.

READ MORE FROM ME

Over the years, I have been a serial learner and practitioner, taking in information about psychology, religion, spirituality, science, medicine, quantum physics, relationships, parenting, and overall, general happiness and work-life balance.  I’ve been fascinated in what it takes to and have created my life of pure joy, happiness, balance and peace. It is my mission to spread what I have learned and practiced to you in ways that are simple, easy to understand AND implement.  I have served people in achieving realignment in their bodies, relationships and purpose for over 20 years.  If you liked this article, and you want to read more, please visit one of the links below:

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