Codependent Relationship: The Addict is a Mess and the Codependent Focuses on Fixing Him

I was raised in a codependent family and I also have my Masters in Mental Health, although I did all of my training in Marriage and Family therapy, because I love systems and how they work together. I learned from my mom how to have behavior like someone who is intoxicated, even when I’m not drinking, and from my dad I learned to be super codependent! I quickly learned that this doesn’t work in relationship!

What happens in an addict/codependent relationship is that the addict is a “mess” and the codependent is running around them in circles trying to “fix” them!

The Codependent Carries the Weight of the World on Their Shoulders

Many of my body-mind clients experience feeling pain in their neck and shoulder, because they experience feeling like they have the weight of the world on your shoulders!

There is a lot of denial around BEING the codependent!

How You Know if You Are a Codependent

• You are REALLY concerned with having the “perfect, happy” family.
• The Codependent puts PRESSURE on the family to BE THE WAY THE CODEPENDENT NEEDS IT TO BE!
• This happens from a traumatic childhood – we feel the need to control our environment, and that includes the people in our space – in order for us to feel safe or ok!
• I feel depleted and exhausted!
• I feel resentment that you don’t notice all of the wonderful things that I do for you!
• I have pain in my shoulders and neck from “carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders”

Codependency “For Dummies”

• you try to meet the other person’s needs without them asking.
• The codependent really truly believes that they are doing everything for YOU – for someone else. You become a martyr and victim.
• “I make everything AMAZING FOR YOU! – > but really, I’m trying to make my environment safe by making sure you have all your shit together so that I can feel safe.
• Codependent tells themselves – I’m trying to make you happy! I’m going to FIX IT FOR YOU! Which is really, very controlling. But the codependent doesn’t see it as control
• There is a lot of denial
• You end up on the victim/drama triangle as the RESCUER.
• I will save the day for YOU because YOU ARE A MESS
• The codependent has judgment and they are putting it on the other person
• It keeps the codependent feeling perfect and the other person is a mess – If the other person could clean up their mess, I would be ok.
• The codependent tells the other person they are doing it for THEM.
• The causes the OTHER person to USE/ be an addict – to avoid confronting the codependent’s controlling behavior. Its very hard to tell a codependent that they are controlling, because they think they are being helpful. The codependent looks nice and loving.
• There is a HUGE PAYOFF for the addict – they can act like “THEY DON’T KNOW” and the codependent gets really excited that they can fix someone else, and not themself!!

What’s happening is A GIGANTIC LACK OF SELF-LOVE and SELF-CARE.

Loving Yourself in a Codependent Relationship

When you love yourself, you can tell the codependent …

There is nothing wrong with me! Leave me alone, you’re being controlling.

When you’re a codependent – when you start loving yourself …

You realize WOW! I am being so controlling and realize I AM DEPLETED and realize that they NOT taking care of myself, I am spending all of my time and energy taking care of someone else. That’s why the codependent feels so exhausted.

The Codependent Relationship Problem

The codependent “takes care” of the addict, by giving the addict what the codependent actually needs, because no one is taking care of the codependent, not even the codependent.

You give them absolutely EVERYTHING that you THINK they need, but you don’t ask them, you just give them what YOU actually need.

• You get mad when they ask for something: I’m entitled and MAD because you aren’t fixing your mess.
• I’ve been doing EVERYTHING you need (but really, I haven’t, I’m trying to make myself ok)
• You take responsibility when they are upset.
• I’ll handle everything for you.
• I made your life miserable.
• I take responsibility for everything.
• I’m a victim.
• I’m exhausted.
• I want you to rescue me.

The codependent thinks that they have done EVERYTING and YOU have done NOTHING, so now, I’m mad, because I did so much stuff for you, but you did nothing for me, and I’m exhausted.

Both Parties are in Denial

The addict doesn’t realize they are trying to escape reality by doing their addiction.

The codependent is in DENIAL because – they don’t have a clue, because they are PERFECT people, and they want YOU to look perfect! They actually believe that they are perfect!

I try to control you and get you to do what I want because I refuse to take care of myself.

I, the controller, put all of my time, energy, and focus on you, see all of your flaws, and all of the things that you do wrong, and try to FIX you, because there are clearly things WRONG with you

The alcoholic experiences my CONTROL but doesn’t realize its controlling because he is used to the environment, might even think its loving, and likes not having responsibility.

It’s Much Easier to Sit There Confused, or Incapable of Doing Something

This triggers the controller to want to control even more.

When the controller controls more, the addict feels less and less capable, and more and more SHAME. The addict already feels SHAME, which keeps the addiction going.

SO. The more the addict uses, the more SHAME the addict feels, which keeps them in a place of not taking responsibility.

The controller can’t stand this, and will cover for them, trying to keep the status quo and keep everyone LOOKING GOOD!

Since its IMPOSSIBLE to keep an addict looking good, they continue to SHAME the addict, thinking this will force them to stop the behavior (because that would work for the codependent) but it actually just makes the addict turn to the addiction, not towards the lover/family.

Controlling Another Person

The controller is TRULY trying to control another person because they feel totally out of control in their own life.

• They do not have their shit together.
• They are really good at making it LOOK like they have their shit together, but they do not. NOT AT ALL.
• They have very low self esteem and hardly any self care.
• Their idea of self care is taking care of the addict.   Which they do. Then they feel depleted. AND THEN, they feel exhausted, resentment, and blame all of that on the addict also.

The addict has no idea that any of this is going on because the codependent keeps it all to themselves.

Both of them are very much in denial about all of this.

Shaming

The codependent keeps the addict USING because they SHAME them for DOING IT WRONG all the time.

The codependent needs everything to be perfect and controlled, and they believe that they can control the addict by shaming them.

The problem is, the addict already feels shame for doing their addiction.

When the codependent points out that they are doing it WRONG it makes the shame even BIGGER! Which of course, keeps the addictive behavior going.

No One Likes Being Controlled

No one wants to be told.

Although some people don’t know what to do with their lives or they feel messy, a codependent loves to come in there and “fix it” but it feels very controlling.

There are very few people who can actually get other people to DO what they want them to do!

Portrayal of Perfect

UNDERNEATH THE PORTRAYAL OF PERFECT IS A HUGE INSECURITY AND LACK OF SELF LOVE!

The codependent actually does most of this behavior because they want to feel lovable and don’t. They believe that if they are perfect, that someone will want them and love them. That is why they continue to try to make everything, including themselves and their partner, perfect. It is a very limited way of viewing the world. It is black and white thinking. If I am perfect, and you are perfect, then we will be perfect, you will love me, and we will have a happy life.

Perfect Doesn’t Equal Happiness

Happiness doesn’t come from being perfect.

And it definitely doesn’t come from trying to control someone else.

It comes from a strong sense of self-love and confidence. And the peace and happiness that a codependent is looking for, is never going to come from fixing their partner or their environment.

As the codependent works to love themselves, and clean up their internal struggles and messes, their external environment will shift as a result.

You Try to Fix Everybody Else … But NOT Yourself

A codependent struggles to see their own pain and problems.

When you try to resolve these issues on yourself, as a codependent, you will probably end up reading how to fix everyone else, not yourself. It is VERY helpful for a codependent to have someone else there who can see these patterns and help them to see them as well and come out of denial.

If you are looking for support in this area, please reach out to me for a FREE BREAKTHROUGH session for life coaching on moving into recovery from being a codependent!

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Over the years, I have been a serial learner and practitioner, taking in information about psychology, religion, spirituality, science, medicine, quantum physics, relationships, parenting, and overall, general happiness and work-life balance.  I’ve been fascinated in what it takes to and have created my life of pure joy, happiness, balance and peace. It is my mission to spread what I have learned and practiced to you in ways that are simple, easy to understand AND implement.  I have served people in achieving realignment in their bodies, relationships and purpose for over 20 years.  If you liked this article, and you want to read more, please visit one of the links below:

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